i feel really sick to myself tonight. i feel like i'm on narcotics and floating high up and my head's so detached to my body.

i'm feeding myself with sappy sentimental songs right now - just being the typical masochist that i am.

last Thursday i got an unexpected wake-up call from a stranger. there was nothing weird about the wake-up call - in fact you could say that i had it coming - but the person who delivered that wake-up call to me was what really hit me hard. it was a text message from my ex's boyfriend.

[FLASHBACK]i had a girlfriend a little over a year ago... at the time, i really thought things were going well between us. i was as unrestrictive as i could be, and i trusted her with everything that could, even if it hurt every so often. and i had a hard time proving to my family that she was okay (i'm Chinese, and she isn't, and there's this unwritten law that makes inter-cultural relationships such a big no-no) - eventually i did succeed convincing them to see things on my side. and then shortly afterwards, she breaks up with me because her family didn't approve of me.[/FLASHBACK]

*sigh* honestly speaking, in my mind, i was wondering whether we'd get back together. in fact, i went so far as to imagine that, maybe, she doesn't have a boyfriend yet, and is wondering of the same thing.

well, i guess not.

the weirder thing about all this is that, i had really thought that i had moved on from the ordeal - it's been a year, after all... again, i guess not. the wound she left was deeper, much deeper than i had earlier thought.

i wish i have a hole to dig myself into to hide in until my emotions tide over... but this is life. i have to pick myself up as soon as i possibly could, even if i continue spolling blood as i go...